Monday, February 27, 2012

Bubbling to the Surface

Over the past week and a half or so my world "got flipped, turned upside down," in the words of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.  My grandfather passed away after a short stint in and out of the hospital.  He lived a good, long life and was 84 years old, however, his death was still unexpected and has been a very difficult experience.

Because of his death, I wanted to be close to my family, so I spent a lot of time at my parents' house.  My employer was extremely understanding and generous, allowing me to work the hours I was able to, which amounted to a strange schedule, coming into the office for a couple hours here and there, but not really being able to fully focus when I was at my desk.  Our house became a bit disheveled, much like the way my mind felt, and my desk at work was not dissimilar.

Today was the start of a new week, and as hard as it was to go back to the office this morning with a full week of playing catch-up and some large projects looming ahead, it has been a good day.  I was forced to start picking up some of the scattered pieces of things I worked on last week and get back into a routine.  As much as routines can frustrate me, today it was exactly what I needed to get me moving and back to the reality of my life.  I had a busy and productive day at work, got home a little after 5pm and felt the motivation to do a bunch of small tasks around the house that needed to get down, but had been neglected over the past week and a half (or longer!).  I pushed through my workout, and here I am, getting back to writing my blog.  I have to say, it feels good, and I'm starting to feel like myself again. 

I can't say I'm not thinking about the changes that have occurred in my life over the past couple weeks, because I have been reminded several times today of the loss of my grandpa, by little things I've heard as well as concerned coworkers sharing their sympathy and kindness.  However, the have-to's are helping me to re-focus on my life instead of only focusing on his death.

The reality of life and death has been, unsurprisingly, brought to the forefront of my mind lately.  I feel the pull of living my dreams and living my life to the fullest as well as concerns and fear of something tragic like this happening to someone I or my husband (or both of us) love while we are on the other side of the world pursuing our dream.

Despite these worries that have bubbled to the surface, I refuse to let these fears paralize me and prevent me from pursuing our dream ahead. As I said, death has a tendency to spur self-reflection and with that I know that only I can create my life and make it what I want it to be.  So I must fully commit myself and experience the life that I want.  I can only take one day at a time when it comes to my concerns.  To live in fear of the "what-ifs" is what causes so many people to never act upon their dreams.

I want to be proud and happy when I reflect on my life and never wonder "what if?" and to me, today, that means working towards and accomplishing this dream of a long-term adventure around the world.

What do you want to do with your life?


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